Sleep Center
This is my room at the sleep center. I always wanted to do a sleep study and now I actually have a prescription for it.
I was kind of excited. I love to sleep but, apparently I have a bit of snoring problem and this was going to somehow solve it. I arrived at 9pm and by 10pm I had wires attached everywhere. 2 on my calves, 8 on my head, 4 on my face, one on my shoulder and one around my chest and one on my left pointer finger. After they were all glued on to me they grouped them together with a giant velcro wrap and handed me the bundle and said – relax, use the bathroom and we will come in and hook you up to the monitor in a few minutes. OK. I have no idea how I am ever going to sleep with all this stuff glued to my body and face but, apparently this is science so I will go along with it. This is where the story should end. But wait – this is where it really just gets started. I decided that I should go to the bathroom and get ready to be hooked up. I grabbed all my cables and wires and shuffled into the bathroom. I pull down my pj bottoms, have a seat and make a little tinkle. But wait, there is no accompanying tinkling sound. Is this a special hospital toilet that doesn’t make any noise? Are my wires in the way? I know I am peeing but there is no sound. How weird is that? I look down and around and there it is – my underwear – and I am still wearing it. I have just peed in my pants. I never wear underwear to bed but I kept it on at the sleep center because – well - I just thought that I should. You know they have cameras and stuff and I just thought I needed extra covering. Anyway, what with all the cables and wires I just pulled my pj’s down and totally forgot about the panties. So there they were, still on and wet – very wet. uughh. Fine, I will just take them off and throw them out. I don’t care – I am tired and just want to go to bed, wires and all. It is getting late and they are going to come back to hook me up soon, very soon. Taking them off and tossing them in the trash was the perfect solution except for the small fact that the wires on my calves prevented anything being removed in a downward motion from my body, wet undies included. My pj’s weren’t going anywhere and neither was that wet thong. A little panic started to come over me. I needed to get my wet panties off before the nurse came back to hook me up. I could cut them off – but oh yeah – I don’t have any scissors! I could gnaw them off except that I have very expensive teeth and with my luck I would knock a cap off. How great would that look? I peed my pants and lost my teeth. I could always push the little red nurse button, it is there for emergencies but – jee whiz – there’s a clever idea that just would not pan out too well for me as I tried to explain my predicament… So I settled on brute force - I would just rip that freaking thong off. But let me tell you – that is easier said than done. Thongs may be small but they are strong and mightly stretchy. Thank God I wasn’t wearing my big white grandma panties because then I would really be in trouble, I don’t think I could have ripped those off at all. Just another good reason to wear thongs. Did you know that spandex was invented and first used in ladies undergarments – hence all that stretchyness! Finally, with enough tugging I got the back of the crotch part detached from the waist, yes it hurt a bit, in case that thought crossed your mind. They call thongs butt floss for a reason! So now it was just a piece of elastic around my waist with a wet triangular piece of fabric hanging down in the front. It vaguely resembled the front flap of a cave man’s loin cloth. but lacey. And it was still attached to me and still not coming off. I pulled and pulled but it just stretched and stretched. Did I tell you about the invention of spandex already? I decided that if I pulled my foot up and around the elastic waistband, hooked it around the elastic and then stretched my leg out while pulling the other side of the waistband in the opposite direction with my arm behind my head, I could stretch it far enough until it broke. This thong was really stretchy and it stretched the full length of my outstretched arm and leg and then finally, it snapped. The recoil after it broke was so strong that it made my arm fly forward into my thigh and I now have a huge bruise. But the thong was off. I was now also awake, very, very, wide awake. I got off the not so special potty. I gathered my wires and cables. I threw the torn, mangled, stretched beyond recognition, thong in the trash. I washed up. The wires and cables were trailing off my head like some weird snake dreadlock hairdo and my eyes all wide open and bloodshot from all the exertion. I looked a wreck. I looked like a whack job, and I was not at all sleepy or relaxed. In fact, I was kind of revved up to be honest. I called the nurse to be hooked up. I have never been more awake in my entire life. The adrenaline rush alone was good for another 3 hours of no-sleeping. When I did drift off I had the worst night of sleep in my life and kept getting tangled in all the wires and had fleeting dreams of being strangled by my own thong. And to make it all complete, I never even snored. I think they thought I was a fake snorer, a faux snorer. I have to do this 4 more times. I will bring a scissors. I will not wear panties of any variety. I will snore!
I hope that these cameras were only in the bedroom because if there were any in that bathroom – I am so screwed. It would only be a matter of time before this whole episode will be on Youtube. Thank God for HIPPA laws.
Faux Farm Girl
annie