This is the Grand Canyon. This is Barbi climbing up the mound on a ledge of the Grand Canyon. She looks like she is having fun. I did not take this photo. I was not having fun. I was barely functioning.Several years ago we went on a job to Sedona. We stayed at a lovely spa and resort and on our day off Barbi booked a trip to see the Grand Canyon. We could have rented a car and driven there but instead we rented a pilot and plane.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.

 We were at the spa the evening before and at the time it also seemed like a good idea to embrace the whole spa, holistic, zen thing and so we drank shots of wheat grass juice at the juice bar. We aren’t really health minded folks. Mostly we just like doing shots and aren’t all that disciminating.  An interesting side affect of wheat grass is that very time you burp and you do burp a lot, you smell like a freshly mowed lawn. Active in the farming community but very few other places find it endearing. But that’s not all it’s known for.  Wheat grass is also known for it’s cleansing powers. Yeah, you don’t really want to drink too much of that stuff and then have to get on a 4 seat plane for an hour trip the next morning.

They don’t have a potty on small planes in case you were wondering. We didn’t eat dinner that night just to be safe. Then we threw caution to the wind and we boarded the plane, filled with hope, plastic bags and a roll of toilet paper. I can honestly say, thank goodness, the whole cleansing thing didn’t work that fast and although poised for disaster the plane ride was uneventful.  However, no sooner had we landed than we ran to the bathrooms and proceeded to shit our brains out. After a complete intestinal cleansing we jumped into the helicopter and flew directly into the canyon and at the bottom we took a boat ride on the river. I was good with all of this. It was really pretty incredible. But like most things, when you are having fun you think you will do just one more fun thing to really top it off. Just one more thing to make the day complete. How about we take the bus tour for a barbecue lunch up a Guano Point on the South Rim in the Hualapai Indian Reservation. We were pretty hungry since we didn’t eat dinner or breakfast and we all know how we pretty much turned those bathrooms at the landing strip into a dairy barn.  So yeah – we’re good for the lunch at Guano Point.

(This is Guano Point. See that tower, you start walking on the lower level, just to the right of that mound and then when you get halfway around you have to climb up the mound to the tower and then finally down a little path to the green bush on the left side of the photo. If you look across to the other side you will see a little black hole – that is the bat cave, 7500 feet away).

Guano Point is now just the remnants of an old mining operation. Mining for bat shit that is. Apparently back in 1957 someone convinced someone else with less brains and more money that they should invest $3.5 million to construct a tramway headhouse on the south side of the canyon with the cableway across the river to the bat cave on the other side, where they mined the guano and then hauled it back to Guano Point. Unfortunately, by 1960 the bats stopped pooping and there wasn’t enough minable guano to be profitable. Maybe they should have given them wheat grass shots,  because we know how well that works.  A few months later an air force jet was hot-dogging in the canyon and clipped the cable. This was the end of the guano mining. The relics remain as an interesting historic site and a testament to human stupidity.

So there we were at Guano Point. Lunch was fine. The next part was not so fine. Our pilot suggested that we take the walk around the old tram house, go around the outside of the point and then climb up a giant pile of loose rubble to the top of the point and the tower. I am from the Northeast part of of US. We have guard rails, fences, caution tape and all sorts of things to keep stupid people from doing stupid things that might hurt them. Not so much out there. We saw a grown man start to take the walk around the mound, where you are only about 6 feet from the edge, freeze and start to cry. He could barely turn around to get back. He crawled. I am telling you here and now that man crawled like a baby to get back to ground that was further from the edge than a mere 6 feet. It was level ground, just don’t look down man, come on, get with the adventure program. We gave each other the look – the scaredy cat baby look! Brave pioneers that we are, we decide take the little walk around the point and start a little climb up a path. Then about halfway up the hill I make the mistake and I look down and I freeze. One slip and you will fall, not like fall down and bruise your knee. I mean like fall all the way down. How far is that? From where I was standing – about 10 miles or more realistically, 4000 feet. What’s the difference when you’re falling head first. Nothing! I have never had a panic attack in my life but I had one at Guano Point. Barbi is laughing and making fun of me, just like we did to the crybaby man amere 15 minutes ago. Only now, I am the crybaby. Our cute pilot is trying to coax me to continue moving forward. I was frozen. I wasn’t crying, yet, but I definetly would have shit my pants but for the whole wheat grass cleansing thing. Lucky break in restrospect!

Yes, this is what panic looks like. My brain went through a detailed list of how I was going to get out of this mess. I couldn’t go down because I couldn’t look down- way too scary. Don’t you agree?

(Can you see the little tiny helicopter in the middle of this photo – just so you have perspective!)

I couldn’t be carried out – too treacherous for the other person not to mention me. Perhaps a helicopter could drop a line and pull me out. Yes, that was it, that was the only way I was getting out of this. OR I could just buck up and move my scared sorry ass up the hill and out of there. I gave my purse, camera, glasses and all loose hanging items to our cute pilot and slowing crawled, yes crawled on my hands and knees (OK I am sorry I made fun of that other guy) I tried to spread as much of my body on the rocky surface as I could, it was more like clinging than anything else.  I was slithering, and hugging every rock until I got to the top and then I scrambled down the other side and kissed the ground just thankful to have survived. Laugh if you must, but 1-3 people actually die there every year. No kidding. Thankfully, I wasn’t one of them. So, if you ever go to the Grand Canyon please make sure you go to Guano Point and take the climb. It’s exhilarating. And don’t forget the wheat grass shots the day before, because otherwise you will definitely shit in your scaredy-cat pants. I kid you not!

Finally safe and much happier. No guardrails – go figure!