Little Jilly is in trouble. I caught her, through my intricate spy ring of Facebook moles, calling someone a douche. Her first reaction was not the hoped for “I am so sorry” but instead “you have violated my rights to privacy and I am going to call a lawyer”. After explaining to her that she had no money for said lawyer and this was not going to qualify as a pro bone case, I followed up with that fact that she has no rights either. This was obviously not the reaction she had hoped for and so she reacted as any 14 year old. Well, any 14 year that I have raised. She called me a douche. At first she said it very quietly and then louder and louder. Then she added the word vagina, then expanded to vaginal cleaner. She strung all three words together into what sounded like a bad rap song. Being the good mother that I am, I ignored her. The douche rap continued for over 30 minutes and I kept thinking, gosh, doesn’t her voice hurt from all this singing. Sure enough she got it all out of her system and settled herself down. Now it was my turn. I asked her if she knew what a douche was and she smartly replied “it a thing that cleans out your vagina.” OK, so she was paying attention in health class. I continued with my line of questioning. “Do you even know what a douche looks like?”.  She scrunched her eyes together and thought for a moment and then said “yeah, it looks like one of those fireplace things”.  OK-I am now totally baffled. “What fireplace thing – a fire extinguisher, a poker, andirons?”.  ”No, you know those blowy things that you puff up – like accordions.”  “You mean a bellows?” I replied.  Well,  I didn’t know whether to laugh my ass off or be stunned. I chose to laugh. I couldn’t stop laughing and with each chuckle she got more and more mad at me and then she yelled out “you are such a mean douche.”  Someone is going to have to have a chat with that health teacher because we  know Jill was paying attention that day, she did know what douche meant after all. Does anyone douche anymore? Why are they even talking about that with 8th graders? You gotta wonder.