Faux Farm Crops
I ran into a friend today at Home Depot. Let’s call him Kurt – because that happens to be his name. He will tell you that he lives on a farm and he does, sorta, kinda, maybe. When you swing into his driveway, it looks farmy.
There is a big old barn – which is the first requirement of a real farm in my book. He has a lot of land. Now, land ownership is a grey area as I have been to real farms with little more than 5 acres which seems small for a farm. However, they farmed the heck out of that dirt and had goats, chickens, etc. So, the land aspect is a variable that is dependent upon what you do with it. The big question here is – does it feel like a farm? Kurt has a pond, some fencing, and a tree swing and for all outward appearances – this is a farm. So I was a bit surprised when he told me that he loves to go down to the neighbors barn that borders his land (that isn’t your barn?), past his mother-in law’s pond (not your pond?) and pet the horses and goats, (not yours either?). He said that occasionally he even helps them to clean out the stables. News flash! Kurt, you do not have a farm. You are just like me. You like the idea of a farm, you like the look of a farm and you like the thought of a farm, but you do not have a farm. You my friend have a Faux Farm. So to all the pretend Faux Farmers out there I am starting the Faux Farm Club of America. And Kurt, you are the first member!
This is a thing that collects the hay after it has been cut and puts in a neat litle rows for the bailer. Useless information to the Faux Farmers. Just get an old broken one at an auction and place it in your yard. It’s all in the presentation.
This makes a great tool shed cause you sure ain’t going to use it for anything else! But it is a way cool tool shed.
Hang up your pitchforks in a decorative way in the barn and place random unused farm equipment around your property. Build some cute outhouses and sheds and a water pump and place them where they should be if you actually had to use them. Decorate your “Faux Farm” with corn stalks, fencing, arbors and a clothesline. Maybe put in a pond instead of a pool.
This has got to be the prettiest swimiming hole I have ever seen. I just want to jump in. I want to have cocktails in that gazebo at sunset. I want to have a lunch under the arbor. I do not however, want to see farm animals drinking or wading in that pond. Make no mistake about it , this is a Faux Farm pond.
However, under no circumstances should you actually grow anything that you depend upon for food. You should have no animals that are productive in any way. And finally, you must never, ever, ever, do any hard work that you can pay someone else to do for you. Think about the rules carefully before you answer the next question. Do you have Faux Farm?
This is a real farm growing real vegatables. This is what cabbage looks like before you buy it at the farmers market.
This is not a pet. This is a milk machine. It needs to be emptied twice a day at 5am and 5pm. You can not miss a milking and you can not drop it off at a the kennel if you want to go on vacation. Your friends will not watch it for you
Still not sure? Do you work on your land 7 days a week? Do you depend upon the produce you grow to put food on your table either because you actually eat or sell it?
Do you have pets or livestock? Do you get up every morning at 5 am? Do you know how fix just about anything in pinch? I could go on but if you haven’t already answered yes to all of the above questions let’s just quit now and call a spade a spade ( also known as a shovel to your faux farmers).
It is fine to have a Faux Farm. You just always have to keep in mind that what you grow and cultivate on a faux farm is an illusion of farming, the perception of a farm life and the fantasy of a simpler time. Don’t ever lose sight of that fact the “farm” part is just a figment of your imagination. Sorry!
Now go out and cultivate.
Xxoo
Annie
Faux Farm Girl